Your husband has announced he wants a divorce after a decades-long marriage. Everything is going to be okay.
Naturally, your world feels like it is tilting on its axis. Navigating a “gray divorce,” defined as a divorce after 50, is painful but also complex. This is because in the pre-retirement stage of life we have unique emotional, legal and financial complexities. Taking the right initial steps is essential to protect your future … and your sanity.
FIRST, PAUSE AND BREATHE
This is not just woo-woo nonsense. Your immediate response to this emotionally devastating news really matters. It is easy to get caught up in a negative emotional downward spiral and you have to work hard to not let this happen.
Pause. Breathe. Recognize that many women have been through this and have come out okay, and many have come out more than okay. And you will too.
MAINTAIN EMOTIONAL CONTROL
You may feel the urge to panic, beg, or lash out in anger. Do everything you can to fight this urge. Maintain emotional control by not letting these emotions consume you.
Although you may feel shocked by his actions, bear in mind that he has likely been considering this decision for many months or even years. You are in different places so recognize this.
IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?
There is a very real, and quite likely, possibility that he is already seeing someone new. Statistically, very few men leave marriages without a new person in the wings. This is why, in many cases, begging for couples counselling or “another chance to make it work” is simply not a realistic exercise. You have to watch his actions carefully and decide whether or not he is already emotionally checked out of your marriage.
For most men, the signs of an affair partner are quite obvious. A newfound interest in the gym, late nights out with random “friends”, mobile phone tracking turned off, deleted phone messages, and always keeping his phone locked and in hand, especially at night.
If you see these signs, you then have to decide if you even want to know the truth. There is a strong likelihood that he will deny it; in fact many wives are told they are being “paranoid” or “crazy” even when they have irrefutable evidence. So, you must ask yourself, do you really want or need to know?
PROTECT YOUR FINANCIAL FOOTPRINT
When you are over 50, your financial runway to retirement is shorter. This makes protecting your money and your assets all the more critical.
Begin by gathering all relevant documents. Discreetly locate and copy all past tax returns, bank statements, investment portfolios, mortgage papers, and retirement account details. If you can, put a hold on all joint accounts so withdrawals can only be made with two signatures. And monitor accounts closely by arranging for a notification to be sent to your mobile phone whenever there is account activity.
Remember that your security takes priority over sentiment.
You think you want to keep the family home, but is it practical? Can you afford the mortgage and upkeep? Remember that in retirement, liquid assets are often much more vital to your long-term independence than expensive real estate. Do your research and find out exactly what you are entitled to based on the laws of your country, state or province.
BUILD YOUR PROFESSIONAL TEAM
This is not the time to try navigating the situation alone or based on the advice of family, friends or neighbors.
You will need a lawyer, even if your husband (or others) are telling you that you will not. Without in-depth knowledge of family law, you could end up making a decision that carries massive negative consequences.
Your lawyer may suggest trying mediation, which can work, but leave it to your lawyer to facilitate this. You need a fallback if mediation fails.
CASH FOR A RETAINER
Lawyers work on a retainer versus you just paying an invoice for the work they do. Put simply, they require you to hand over a set amount of money (it could be $2,500, $5,000, $10,000 or more) and then they use this money to cover their fees.
If you do not have access to a large chunk of cash, now is the time to start finding a way to acquire it. This could be from your personal savings, a bank loan or line of credit, a loan from family members, or any other means. If your husband has always been “in charge” of finances, pulling together this amount of money may prove to be difficult. This is all more reason to get on it as soon as possible.
PICKING A LAWYER
In deciding which lawyer to use, schedule consultations with specialized family law practices to understand your rights and see if they are a good fit for what you are looking for. Ask them for their opinion on lower-conflict paths like mediation or collaborative divorce, which save time and money.
And most importantly, as you meet with potential lawyers, stop yourself from replying, “Oh, he would never do that to me,” when the lawyer brings up various scenarios.
Please take the advice of millions of women who have come before you … he could and he just may.
Divorce negotiations often take a dark turn and you want a lawyer who is experienced and skilled in these areas.
BUILD YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK
Divorce is emotionally draining in a million different ways. Carefully choose a few trusted friends that you will confide in, and avoid venting extensively to your wider social circle.
Loose lips sink ships.
Do not post on social media or to mutual acquaintances. You will, at times, feel desperate to tell “your side of the story.” Resist the urge. The truth will come out eventually and you will only do yourself harm by oversharing. Keep your inner circle tight and keep all information outside this circle to a minimum.
There will be some rough days, nights, weeks, and even months ahead. But these are some solid first steps to get you off on the right foot. One day this will all be behind you, so do your best to make it through.
